Top 10 List – Ugliest Players in the XGL
*** A new feature by new Associate Poster, Bull Schmidt. Look for future articles from this fine hockey writer in the future. He hopes to produce a weekly column printing Mondays ***
Every hockey website out there has top ten lists. They list things like top 10 forwards, top 10 defensemen, top 10 MVP candidates, top ten projected scorers, top 10 rookies, blah, blah, blah. Get a little tired of the same top 10 lists? Well I did so I put together a top 10 list of the XGL’s ugliest players. To qualify for the list, it’s quite simple actually, a player has to be drafted to the XGL and has to be hard on the eyes. While doing research, I have come to the conclusion that Boomer has the ugliest team in the XGL with the likes of Ovechkin, Horcoff, Smyth, and Lucic to name a few.
10. Zdeno Chara (The Meats)
An all around freak of nature, the big Slovak was so ugly at birth that his mother had to get drunk before she breast fed him.
9. Joni Pitkanen (Ellsworth’s Enforcers)
Hey Joni, Valtrex can help with that inflammation of skin and mucuous membrane with clusters of deep seated vesicles also known as herpes.
8. Steve Ott (The Drop List)
One of only two Canadian to make the list, Steve’s so ugly that everytime his mother looks at him she thinks to herself, “Damn, I should’ve just given head.”
7. Olli Jokinen (One Legged Dog)
Not many people know this, but Olli is a very close friend of Chris Burke who played Corky Thacher on ABC’s “Life Goes On” television series.
6. Ryan Smyth (Boomer)
It kills me to add Ryan Smyth to the list since he plays with such heart but let’s face it, no ugly list is complete without him on it.
5. Tomas Holmstrom (The Kubasa Kings)
Known as “Homer” to his teammates, the Swedish born 4-time Stanley Cup champion was so ugly when he was born that they put tinted windows on his incubator.
4. Anze Kopitar (The Lane Train)
Picture pretty much says everything that needs to be said on this one but don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
3. Alexander Radulov (Backhander)
Even though he’s one of the better looking players in the KHL where he calls home now, Alex still makes the 3rd spot in the XGL.
2. Michal Handzus (The Drop List)
With all due respect to Jaromir Jagr, Handzus quite possibly has the worst hair cut in the 91 year history of the NHL. Better be careful what I say though as thunder might be stuck down upon me as this guy sort of looks like Jesus.
1. Alexander Ovechkin (Boomer)
Dynamic skating, crushing body checks, hard accurate shots, and highlight real goals can not even save the NHL’s reigning MVP from the #1 spot on this list. Even his own mother demanded six thousand dollars to kiss him for a Sports Illustrated spread.
